Discovering the Positives

More precious than money, diamonds and gold is time. It’s value is priceless, it is not a commodity that can be gifted, traded, negotiated or laundered. Most do not even consider it, living in the assumption that it is in oversupply, yet for those who truly appreciate it’s rarity it is in greater demand than any precious stone or metal. 

I hear stories each week of people winning vast sums on Euromillions whilst others gamble life savings for the riches and spoils of wealth, failing to appreciate that they are already in possession of the most valuable gift available to them. I often reflect on how meaningless €50 million would be for me, yet if there was a lottery for 20 years of life I’d be investing my life savings trying to win.

It has taken a long time for me to accept my cancer, this is very different to conceding to it and I’m only now really beginning to appreciate the difference. I associated acceptance with weakness and so found myself uncontrollably swaying across the spectrum of absolute denial to abject fear of the reality. In doing so my existence became one of extremes of false happiness or dark frustrations. There was no perspective, no middle ground and no appreciation for the lessons cancer has taught me.

As with any storm, the energy fuelling my own inner demons is losing momentum and replacing itself with a far more productive perspective. In denying my cancer’s existence or dwelling too much on it’s negativities I am losing valuable, precious time enjoying the things I love.

Make no mistake cancer still continues to attack, stealing from me more parts as the months roll on, and when this happens there are naturally tears of fear, frustration, desperation and despair. Only last month a tumour grew uncontrollably fast on my right ovary and I unexpectedly had to have both ovaries removed, inducing instant menopause and taking away my fertility in the process. I could dwell on how fearful I was going into surgery knowing there was every chance the tumour was not easily operable and focus on the negativities of now being infertile but instead I have chosen to acknowledge what has happened and focus on the positives. After all at the moment it isn’t in a major organ, the operation was a complete success and I am fully recovered. In taking this attitude I have discovered I am able to limit the time spent grieving without burying it and bounce back ready to fulfil my time doing something more productive and more importantly enjoyable. 

And so this week as I celebrate my 33rd birthday, I want to reflect upon all the positive accomplishments and lessons I have learnt since I have been diagnosed and share with you my future plans for how I want to choose to spend the rest of my time, however long that may be. You see the tragic reality is that I have only really begun to appreciate my life now I know it is in short supply and as much as I hate this wretched illness in many ways I have become a better person for it.

The first lesson that I found hard to really comprehend was that cancer presents so much instability it is impossible to make any significant future plans. We as humans have a tendency to put things off for another time or plan holidays or events sometimes a year or years in advance. To switch off this way of thinking is incredibly hard. You know you cannot do this because you cannot be sure how well you will be, this realisation used to induce waves of fear and anxiety as my focus on planning for something would morph into dwelling on my own mortality. I had no option but to stop thinking in this way and instead live in the moment. Over time and with practice I have discovered this can be achieved and now throughly believe this is a much healthier way to live.

When I returned to work after a leave of absence I was struck by how many people were on the train on their phones. Some of them didn’t even look up to board or get off the train engrossed by emails, social media, games anything other than observing and enjoying life. By the time half of them got to work I doubt they could even tell you what the weather was like outside. Don’t get me wrong I love to read the news and check my social media but I do not allow it to control so much of my time anymore. I spend a lot more time looking up, living in the now, appreciating people or the world around me as I look out of the window whilst the train rolls past several London boroughs on my way to work. 

I do not focus on developing the perfect instagram ready body, or show an interest in latest fashions donned by some celebrity. The outside world is far more interesting than the world behind a screen and whilst I enjoy dressing smartly I do not worry or strive for more. Instead any spare money I have I try to spend experiencing life and improving my understanding of the world through buying books, going to the theatre, watching sporting events and so on. 

I love surprising friends with trips away or days out. There is far more satisfaction in making someone else smile than there is buying something for myself. 

Holidays cannot be planned and so instead I make impulsive decisions, like booking a weekend in South Africa two days before I’m due to fly or a last minute trip to India for respite. As long as I am well enough, I have the funds and I can get the time off work I do not spend time worrying that it might be too expensive or I need more time to prepare. I just go. Providing I don’t stretch myself too much I know that there will always be an opportunity to earn more money but there may not be an opportunity again to enjoy these experiences. 

I love being outdoors and spend a lot of time time walking, cycling or running (occasionally). I do not bother myself with the gym, I’ve never really enjoyed the atmosphere of it anyway and much prefer to be outside.  Nothing compares to that beautiful feeling of fresh crisp air hitting the lungs as I follow the Thames path challenging myself every time to venture a little further. 

People have made more of an effort to see me and spend time with me since I became ill. I know this is because everyone knows my time is limited but how fortunate am I for that? I love the company of each and every one of my friends and I get to see them more now. How sad that it takes something so sinister for these changes to occur, how have we let the mundane rigmarole of life prevent us from appreciating each other more?

The main blessing I take from my illness is the time I have spent with my family. I have spent more time with them in the last 15 months than in the last 15 years combined. We have always been close but the seriousness of my illness has garnered me with an appreciation and gratitude for them words will not cover. The forcefield that surrounds us these days is impenetrable. We face the toughest of challenges life wants to throw at us and fight them head on with a bravery and resilience that would challenge the strongest of SAS soldiers. We are all aware of how precious time is, all we can do is savour our moments and live for the next adventure. 

I know this post is littered with cliches and maybe I am sounding like a bit of a hippy but I will take that. I know that if I was cured tomorrow I would not want to lose any of this. Of course I cannot, nor would I want to, tell anyone how to live their lives but I urge everyone to seek greater happiness in what they have rather than dwell on what they do not. 

Be inspired by this post to start taking chances. Find meaning and purpose in your own life and grab every opportunity. Enjoy every day the sun is out, live in the moment and find wonder around you. Do this whilst you still have time because I promise you only then will you lead a fulfilled and happy life.