Tarot

‘The challenge humans face is that as adults we must unlearn all logic and reason taught to us as children. The world and indeed the universe is illogical and impossible for our brains to comprehend. In ancient Indian tradition we have known this for centuries but only now the western world is catching up. The discovery of quantum physics is the perfect example of this, scientists are beginning to accept the irrational and illogical.

You will drive yourself mad if you try to rationalise your cancer. You will never know how or why you got it. All you can do is appreciate the world around you, wonder at the illogical force nature is and live more simply in this world.’ Dr Dhanraj, Vana Retreat, India, 2018 (I’ve paraphrased his message slightly!).

I share a lot of similarities with my best friend Vicky, we’re both strong willed, opinionated and intellectual (I like to believe). We are complex individuals, argumentative and hard work to be around at times but we are both fiercely loyal, compassionate and crucially we share the same moral compass (which I think tends to be the glue that holds most friendships together).

It is however the differences between us that interest me more as through this we compliment and compensate for each other. Growing up aesthetically we were polar opposite, I was short, dark and plump, she was tall, blonde and thin. I was a sporty tomboy whilst Vicky has always been a ‘girly girl’, disinterested in most sports (although I confess she did beat me at boules this summer).

Vicky is extremely well read (I’m the one with the literature degree but she’s read infinitely more books than I have). A lot of her literature choices are arguably more allegorical and fantasy based (she has a bizarre love of vampire novels that I’ll never get my head around), whereas I am more of a political animal, fascinated by the human condition with a tendency to sway toward literature set in the ‘real world’.

There is one area of her life however I rarely entertain, and when I do it’s largely laden with heavy criticism, and that is her love for tarot reading. How could an exceptionally talented speech and language therapist with a science based masters (admittedly she also has a philosophy degree so perhaps that was to blame for this madness) be interested in something so completely illogical?

Recently she told me about a reading she had which on the face of it sounded very coincidental. Vicky has never been one for lying so I took what she was saying to me as the truth but I couldn’t believe through a pack of cards someone could read Vicky’s story so accurately.

Bored by my ever increasing cynicism Vicky must have been somewhat surprised when she finished telling me her story this time, ‘maybe I’ll go for a reading’. Her eyes lit up ‘YES! You should!’

Perhaps it’s the recent trip to India which has opened my mind to greater possibilities, more likely it’s the thought that time maybe running out for me to put this lunacy to bed once and for all. Either way I arrived at Watkins Bookstore in Leicester Square conscious of my two key instructions; to have an open mind – ‘otherwise it will never work’, and to not worry too much when I get the ‘Hanged Man’ and the ‘Tower’ cards.

‘The what?!’ I asked.

‘Soph, there’s no avoiding you have bad cancer so you’re going to get these two cards because they are the worst but it’s what also comes from it that is important’. I laughed to myself, now she thinks she can predict what cards I’m going to get, this really is stupid.

I can’t say I had any real expectations of what the place might look like. The timescales between deciding to go to actually being sat opposite a reader took place over a matter of days giving me little time to contemplate and even less time to back out. I went for a half an hour reading during my lunch break as my office is located close to Leicester Square. I had assumed the reading would take place in a room tucked away at the back of the bookstore, you can therefore imagine my horror when I was asked to take a seat at a small table in the shop window, what would I do if a colleague by chance walks by? They’re going to think I’ve well and truly lost it this time. I’ll never hear the end of it.

‘Why are you hear’ the reader asked. I couldn’t very well say ‘to catch you out’ and I certainly wasn’t going to tell him anything about me, this was a test after all.

‘My friend is very into tarot reading and I’ve never given it much thought. She had a reading recently that seemed to really help her so I thought I’d come along and see what advice I might get if I have one’.

‘Ok. Sounds good. Shuffle the pack for as long as you like. Then when you are ready hand them back to me.’

I shuffled and shuffled, then went to hand them back but retreated and shuffled again. The reader politely refrained from rolling his eyes at me, I’m certain I’m not the first person he’s come across who’s treated this more like a magic show.

Eventually I handed the pack back and he began to lay the cards out. The first card he turned over was The Tower, I refrained from laughing, clearly another coincidence, the second card he turned over was The Hanged Man. Come on, I’m being setup right? But how? This wasn’t Vicky’s style. Yet what do I do if this wasn’t a setup?! It was hard to suppress a growing concern of angst, what had I done? What if there is something in this and he’s now going to confirm I’ll be dead in six month? Do I want to hear what he has to say?

I was fairly certain he wasn’t able to actually say I was going to die so desperately trying to suppress the signs of anguish (largely so I didn’t give the game away to the reader) and allowed him to continue.

‘Well now these cards are very interesting. Firstly you’re full of contradictions. The cards are saying you need to make up your bloody mind’

I laughed and thought back to a conversation I’d had with my family only earlier that week about where I wanted to move to, what treatment plans I was keen to try. The decisions would change by the hour leaving everyone exasperated. I also thought back to my poor housemates who were trying to find a new tenant whilst I was stuck in a rabbit hole unable to decide what I wanted or who I wanted to live it. There was certainly some truth in what he said, I was caught in a tailspin of contradictions that I couldn’t seem to get out of. Still, the observation was quite general and not enough to convince me he knew what he was talking about.

‘Your stress levels are off the scale. Something very big has happened in your life which has created these crazy levels of stress that you must get under control. Is it to do with your work?’

‘No’ I said almost smugly. Here we go, the cracks are forming. Of course he doesn’t know.

‘Ok. Not work. And you don’t want to tell me which is fine. Perhaps when we get to the bottom of it you will talk because you need to’. That was fine by me but not yet. I still needed convincing first.

He sat and pondered over the cards for a minute, carefully studying each one. He didn’t have a clue, clearly. I knew this was a waste of time. A least I could laugh to Vicky about this charlatan.

‘You have something quite wrong with your digestive system’

What did he say?! Hang on. How did he guess that?! I was in no pain so I wasn’t expressing obvious signs of problems.

‘Yes. I have bowel cancer’

‘Aaaah this all makes sense now. Ok great well the cards are right then. Yes you have bowel cancer but you have a very very good oncologist don’t you?’

‘Yes’

‘You need to learn to trust him more. There is a lot of distrust in you with doctors but you should not feel this way towards him. He will listen to you and do his best for you.

There are a lot of science cards here, are you doing a lot of reading and studying yourself’

‘Yes, I’m forever reading medical journals trying to make sense of what is happening to me and if I can improve my chances.’

‘I can see that. Well all I can say is this. You’re doing everything right so keep it up. Your biggest problem is your stress levels, you must work on this. I would recommend autogenic therapy. Look it up, have a read and find a good tutor.’

I had never heard of autogenic therapy before but I was intrigued. My overwhelming urge to prove this man wrong was rapidly transforming into a desire to listen to everything he was saying, I was equal parts fascinated and annoyed. This wasn’t going to plan!

‘I can see you are between houses at the moment and that too is causing you some worry. Don’t let it, that will be resolved within a month, two tops and you’ll be happier than ever with where you are going to live. ‘

I hadn’t told him anything about my living situation but he was right. I was living with my grandma temporarily and as much as I love her the setup wasn’t right for me. I wanted to be in London but I was worried no new housemate would want the burden of living with a stage IV cancer patient and I couldn’t see how I could afford to live on my own. Still, for some reason I believed him and hearing someone say ‘it will be resolved’ was the comfort I needed not to worry myself over it anymore. I knew if I could just get my head straight I could figure out a solution.

‘Sophia there is a lot of positivity in your cards. For someone going through what you are going through you should take encouragement from this reading.

The reading only lasts two years, that’s not to say in two years you’re going to fall off a cliff, it means you need to come back for another reading.

Either way I can assure you this. You’ll definitely be alive for the next two years in any case. That’s a certainty. There is nothing within your cards that worries me on that front but you really really must work on your stress levels’

I was speechless. Who was this man certain in his positivity?! I’ve not received that kind of news in almost a year, it was so refreshing to hear.

‘Please take the time to think about what I’ve said and find the benefit in it for you. Don’t be fascinated by me “getting it right” the most important thing is that you feel you can take something from this’.

I left my tarot reading with a spring in my step and a desire to read up on autogenic therapy, my stress levels did need controlling and maybe this was the solution I was looking for. Of course I was aware that he could be wrong but he was so accurate about other areas of my life he gave me hope at a time when I needed it more than any chemo, surgery or pills. It was beyond consoling to hear my research was doing me some good and it gave me the courage to fight on.

Its been over a month now since my reading and as predicted I’ve moved into a flat that is literally everything I could ever want. It’s beautiful, tranquil and has enough space for my family and friends to stay anytime.

I continue to reflect on what he said to me and I realise now that whether he was right or wrong is irrelevant. Psychologically that single reading helped me far more than any counsellor has (not saying that it should be one or the other or that it will be of use to everyone). From my reading I’ve developed a calmness and an acceptance that I’ve not felt since my diagnosis.

I now continue on my quest to find better options, comforted by the fact that there is at least one person out there (outside of my friends and family) who believes I’m doing the right thing.

I also suppose I have my best friend Vicky to thank. Of course I say it with gritted teeth because I really wanted to put her voodoo ways to bed but instead I concede, comforted that again it was our differences that lead me here and our differences that make us such close friends.

Yes Vicky, you are correct, Tarot can be an extremely powerful and useful tool and I thank you for introducing me to it (god that hurt!).