It took me a while to find the boat on my first visit. I followed my instructions closely but still I was searching for a vessel on a tributary off the Thames I was unaware even existed. After some initial confusion I eventually knew I was in the right spot when I saw the large old Dutch barge in the distance and a smartly dressed lady on the upper deck waving in my direction.
Aptly named ‘Courage’, it was a most unusual location in which to seek out a therapist, however these are unusual times – after all, I was here following advice from a tarot reader (a sentence I still laugh at writing!)
You may recall from my previous blog that the tarot reader I met with a few months ago advised that I seek the assistance of an autogenic therapist to control my stress levels. I had allowed this advice to sit on the back burner whilst I found myself a place to live and increased my working hours.
Now comfortably settled in my new flat, my stress levels were improving but I knew I needed to do something drastic to control them long term. Remembering the advice from the reader, I Googled autogenic therapy. Developed in 1932 by German psychiatrist, Johannes Heinrich Shultz, it is a practice that involves certain repeat visualisations and exercises as a form of meditation with the intention of inducing a state of relaxation, thus reducing stress levels. I was certainly intrigued enough by the description to find myself a therapist.
As I continued on my Google quest, one lady’s profile jumped out at me: Dr Ann. Her profile mentioned she was formerly a GP, but after practicing medicine for twenty years she undertook a career change and began training autogenic therapy after finding benefits in it for herself. Her expertise in the subject lead her to become the lead clinician at the Royal London Hospital for Integrated Medicine. Her experience in both medicine and therapy drew me to her, this was perhaps someone who could really understand my condition and would know how to help me.
‘Courage’ was not only Dr Ann’s place of practice but also her home. She explained to me prior to my arrival that she had largely retired so no longer retained her external practice, and the Dutch Barge she converted offered more than enough space to serve as a home and part time practice.
As I made my way below deck I was immediately struck by the volume and variety of books that she surrounded herself with. Everything from the expected anatomical and psychological literature to the works of William Morris, novels by Ian McEwan and Wilkie Collins (to name a few) and books on Soviet Union politics. I was in awe and found myself momentarily reminiscing back to a time before I fell ill when I would stay up into the early hours with my father, whiskey in hand, debating all aspects of literature and politics; communism vs capitalism, the merits and pitfalls of democracy vs dictatorship, whether Wuthering Heights really was a literary masterpiece and if Russian literature pipped Britain for producing the greatest novel of all time (the jury’s still out on that one). As my mind drifted back into the room I knew instantly that if I was to benefit from this form of treatment, Dr Ann was the therapist I needed.
‘Please take a seat. Before we start I will tell you a bit about myself. Firstly I am very very old, so old in fact I am about to become a great grandmother. Secondly I suffer from arthritis so I am a bit disabled. If you are ok with this let’s continue.’
Ok with this? She was perfect. Intelligent, well read, experienced, knowledgeable. I liked her but more importantly I admired and respected her. I have often been told that the key to a good therapist is finding someone you warm to and have a connection with. In Dr Ann I immediately found my person, she had a wonderful aura and a welcoming smile. I trusted her and felt an overwhelming sense of security and calmness once aboard Courage.
Dr Ann explained that autogenic therapy typically took eight sessions, after which I should be armed with all the tools necessary to utilise the therapy wherever and whenever I needed it. Regular practice would be crucial and I would need to keep a diary to track my progress, however practice should be an enjoyable experience and not feel arduous – after all, the objective is to learn and adopt this in every day life.
The therapy delves further than simply meditative exercises and also involves talking along with other practices in order to deal with the emotional traumas one may also be confronting.
I am now half way through the course and whilst I would prefer the details of the sessions to remain confidential, what I can say is the therapy has been immensely useful. I often find myself closing my eyes and focusing on my exercises when I feel a surge in emotion that might destabilise me. As I sat patiently in hospital waiting for my most recent scan results I was able to use this practice to escape from the usual overwhelming feeling of being dragged into a never ending game of Russian Roulette. I closed myself off from reality so I didn’t have to witness the vacant despair on my fathers face or the tears that rolled down my mothers cheek as we all sat anxiously, praying for good news to any deity that would listen.
Don’t get me wrong, this practice is not foolproof. The night before my results I was an emotional wreck and this week, in the build up to my one year anniversary, I still suffered the most debilitating panic attack I’ve ever experienced. Stood frozen on the spot, on my own, crying outside Bond Street Station during rush hour, unable to breathe, move, talk or think.
Overall though, away from the milestones and worries about scan results, the therapy is beginning to provide me with greater mental clarity and focus, which has improved my performance at work and yielded greater positivity in day to day living. It is also proving a useful relaxation technique that I now enjoy whilst everyone else is busy checking emails on the morning rail commute to work.
It’s not only the meditation that has been useful. I have also benefited greatly from the chats Dr Ann and I have. If anything I’ll be extremely sad when the course is over and hope we remain in contact, as I think her wisdom and guidance will be of great benefit to me as I continue on my journey.
Incurable Curiosity 